by Amber Carroll, CPC
“I love you and so do others.”
This quote is something I like to think of God saying to me when I am low. There were points in my life where I felt unloved because of the weight of my imperfections. It all consumed my mind. This is a quote my brother actually said to me. We lost my brother, Jake, to suicide in January of 2019.
Depression and anxiety, he and I both always struggled with, even being pastors’ kids. Growing up, it wasn’t something always acknowledged. If I were sad and I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t taught to reflect or seek help with medical attention for my mental health. When I experienced thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life, it was seen as shameful and ungrateful. I do not say these things to bring judgment on others. This is simply about understanding and knowledge.
I continually pray for these people every day. As a Christian, I always felt like I was expected to be OK. I was expected to always be happy. I was expected to be presentable and always know the right thing to do. There was so much pressure to be perfect.
When we feel like we have nothing left, there’s a glimmer of light reflecting off the broken pieces saying there is hope. Keep going.
Amber Carroll, CPC
God never designed perfect lives for us. You were never meant to carry a perfect image. I learned to understand this and blossomed over the years as a young adult. However, when I lost my brother, he was really the only one who could relate to my struggles, and to be honest, when he left- I didn’t know if life was worth living anymore because no one could understand how I felt. I had hit an entirely new struggle with my mental health.
Grief suddenly erupted my depression and anxiety in a way I had never felt before. I was angry at everyone, even God. But through my grief struggle, a whole new outlook on my life was born. We formed a non-profit focused on suicide prevention and mental health awareness.
Through my struggles, I found healing in helping others. There is beauty in ashes. There is something so raw and real that we can only discover about ourselves and life when we are completely stripped of everything. When we feel like we have nothing left, there’s a glimmer of light reflecting off the broken pieces saying there is hope. Keep going.
Reposted from NAMI Baltimore Zine Issue #2