Children have a way of reflecting the joy and wonder of being alive even in the most ordinary of moments during the day. In the previous post, we talked about the importance of bringing connection, fun, and delight back into your relationship with your child. In this post and the ones to come, we will delve deeper into what it looks like to play with your child in a way that invites deeper connection in your relationship while cultivating social, emotional, and cognitive growth, all of which are hallmarks of the benefits of play and connection. Dr. Karyn Purvis, one of the developers of Trust-based Relational Intervention®, tells us that play is a foundational part of a child’s neurological development during which “many of the regions of the brain are activated.” She tells us that “neurotransmitters that have to do with learning, memory, and joy are released in the brain of both parent and child when there is play.”
But, maybe play feels like it is hard to do with your child. Maybe you’re wondering how you’ve gotten to the place where most of your interactions with your child or teen feel full of tension, stress, or frustration. Maybe it’s hard to see the joy and delight in your little one when it feels like you’re constantly having to deal with big emotions and confusing behaviors. Maybe it feels like all you do is yell, correct, teach, or discipline, which leaves both you and your kiddo feeling at odds. How do we get unstuck in the negative interaction patterns that we might be having with our kiddos and bring some joy and delight into our relationships? Based on Trust-based Relational Intervention®’s research on connection, over the next several posts I’m going to break down 6 components of connection starting with the first one: eye contact.
Eye Contact
When we talk about the importance of connecting with our kids, we are talking about the importance of creating moments in which a child feels seen, heard, and valued. It is in these moments that our children’s brains are wired in a way that creates a healthy framework for how they engage with themselves, others, and the world around them. One of these markers of connection, eye contact, works to increase focus, learning, and attunement.
There is probably a good chance that you can recollect memories of times when you knew exactly how someone felt about you just from the way they looked at you. These recollections have the power to leave imprints on our brains, which send messages to us about who we are. We send and receive messages to and from people all day long through the way we look at them and the way they look at us whether we are aware of it or not, our kiddos included. Children are at an especially malleable stage because of their inherent egocentricity, where every look can be an indictment that there is something wrong with them or an experience that tells them they are precious and valuable.
When it comes to eye contact, we want to invite our children to look into our eyes by getting down on their eye level and asking for their eyes in a kind way. To a younger child, you can do that by saying, “Hey buddy, can I see those handsome eyes?” or if you’re having trouble getting them to look at you, you can playfully catch them off guard by saying, “do you have orange eyes?” And then when they look up, you can exclaim: “Oh, no, you have beautiful blue eyes!” With any older child or teen, you will still want to use your body to get on their eye-level but ask for their eye contact in less of a softened or sing-song voice and in more of a friendly, engaging manner such as “hey dude can I get some eyes?” or “can I see your eyes?”
When they do look into our eyes, we want to be there waiting with soft, warm eyes to reflect back to them a sense of their value and worth—a sense of how precious they are. We never want to force eye contact by grabbing their chin or demanding in a harsh tone of voice that they look at us. When we do that, we are breaking our connection with them and sending a message that breeds shame, disgust, or contempt. If there has been a history of giving your child harsh looks and condemnatory stares, have compassion on yourself, and know that it might take a little while to establish a sense of trust with your child that having him/her look into your eyes won’t result in them feeling shame. But I would also say that if you cannot look at your child with a look that says to them, “you’re full of dignity and value”, then don’t try this exercise yet.
In order to become more aware of what messages you are sending, I would recommend looking into the mirror and role-playing your interactions with your child to see what kind of facial expressions you make and practice using soft eyes and conveying warmth in your looks. It will become easier with practice, and you’ll quickly notice a change in their responses to you when they experience your warmth and care through eye contact. You’ll also notice a difference in your interactions with others as you practice this in the world.
Stay tuned for the third post in this series on connecting with your child. In it, we will be exploring the importance of tone of voice and playful interactions with the precious kids in your life.
gives new meaning and beauty to Psalm 32:8